Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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