god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
