hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
im holly from the hills drunk
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
