I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
The Olympian is in my bed
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
