I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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