i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
