Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
