Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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