I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
