So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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