dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
