you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize