I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
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