when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
