Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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