This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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