hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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