i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
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