remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
But i did once see a show where a women was homeless and installed a stove in a school bus so she and her baby could live there since all the seats were taken out. As far as being homeless goes it didn't look half bad...So this is me promising to you that if i ever am living in an abandoned school bus...i will at least pimp it out with a stove so you can come over for dinner sometimes
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
