sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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