my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
porn star boner night. come get it.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
