right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
