Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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