And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Randomize
