Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
