Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
