you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
