Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
