I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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