Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I got inside last night via doggy door
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
