if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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