Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
