My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
