apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
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