I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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