mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize