Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Randomize
