Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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