I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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