Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Randomize
