you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
