i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize
