i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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