I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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