take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
