Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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