if i can run in heels then i can drive
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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