Define "chronic" masturbator.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
