He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize