i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize
