in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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