i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
