my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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