i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
i believe in u and ur pee
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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