Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
