there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
