I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
