guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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