I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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