Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
