Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
